I float in a chasm of pain. Thunderous waves of sorrow spill from my heart as if I were a boat, sinking in the middle of a sea of despair. As the storm rolls around me I lower my lashes and hum mindlessly. Remembering a farm pond on a hot summer night. The home I can always drift back to, eyes glued to the stars, the laughter of those who have known me all along holding me buoyant. ... The eye of the storm I am at once calm and powerful. My lungs burst with air, my skin caresses the entire ocean. I ache, fully aware I am alive. I am in the midst of a break-up. I am gasping for air and expelling it to the tune of a Beyonce song. I am hurt and I am heartbroken at hurting. I am in a house with all windows shut save one cracked delicately sustaining me with fresh air. James Agee, my intellectual soulmate, articulates my heart: (No; no; oh, Jesus, no, no, no!). That it should come to this again. That all the lying on my back, staring up into the nothingness where God is acclaimed to reside, slipped me back into the devil's playground. That the walls of Jericho built up around my heart I let crash down should never have been removed. That the cross I beg to bear, in doing so, is invariably consumed by the cross I refuse. And I. I as passionate for life as birdsong and wildflowers in the sunshine of a spring day find myself inevitably swallowed by the reoccurring shadow of the oak. ,.. This is what it comes down to. Late nights and cups of tea and an alarm clock set way too early. A fear of incumbent darkness, of closing my eyes, of resurfacing memories. ... I sang my way down the Appalachian Trail- each day devoting a love song. I spent my summer waking and waiting for the hour to come in which I could talk to (and one day see) my lover. I learned to smile through life on the joy that I loved and was loved in return. I moved to another country because I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. In my faltering, my bruising, my abyss of sorrow, I cannot help but ask "Is it worth it? Is falling in love worth it?" Far more eloquently than I Hillary Clinton answers: "Never stop believing that fighting for what's right is worth it. It is. It is worth it." It is worth it to have discovered what I need in a partner. It is worth it to have discovered who I am and how I got here. To know, a little better and a little more boldly, what I believe about God and politics and this ironic thing we call life. It is worth it to once again be reminded that I am a strong enough woman to stick to my convictions when all the world seems against me. It is worth it to have found a broader community that understands from where I come. It is worth it to be getting a CMU education, to be striking out on my own, to be tackling the sh*t out of life even when it leaves me cracked and bleeding and dismayed in the process. And, above all, it is worth it to have loved deeply and wholeheartedly. It is worth it to have loved to the tune of a John Denver song. To a confidence that this kiss or this soup or this Christmas tree will be the first shared of a lifetime. It is worth it to have put my whole heart out there. To have exposed my innermost being. To have been mistaken so gracefully. It is worth it to know I am capable and I am worthy of feet up on the dashboard, hours on a park bench, schmaltzy songs in the kitchen kind of love. It is worth it to have been given the gift of the tenderest, most sincere, most serene parts of another human being. And it is worth it to have learned I can give that part of me too and let it be held and let it be cherished and let it be given back all the better for having known and having loved and having been returned with a note attached: Find a heart and a mind that can know yours all along.
4 Comments
Lorraine
11/13/2016 04:27:17 pm
Sad but glad you understand that striving to be the best you can be is of ultimate importance. Stay true to yourself! Love God; Love Life!
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Neil
11/13/2016 08:14:12 pm
Having come from a recent break-up myself, I cannot help but admire the words you put to this feeling. I appreciate especially that they relay the significance of knowing the personal qualities under which love can flourish and the ones under which it cannot. Keep up the bad-assery.
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Alex K.
11/13/2016 10:59:08 pm
As a CMU grad and looking back at that time in my life I can say it was definitely worth getting a CMU education. Sorry to hear about the other challenging life events. I can resonate with the elements of despair sometimes when life seems to offer no real opportunities for positive change. I'm really inspired though by how you treat all of life as an adventure and are not afraid to go where your heart wants to go even if that place is east side Detroit! In all seriousness though it would be fun to catch up sometime over Christmas if you are planning to stay in Winnipeg during that time. I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on CMU so far
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micki
11/15/2016 12:39:25 pm
Ah, Lizzie, I'm disappointed -- I was rooting for you guys. But mostly I'm sorry for the pain. I wish I had had your insight and the inner resources you have when I had to go through the most painful breakup of my life. From far on the other side I can say it may take a long, long time but there will be an end to the pain. You are a most beautiful, eloquent and strong woman. You will be fine. You will be more than fine. You will continue to be awesome.
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Elizabeth SchragAdventurer. Biblical and Theological Studies major. Borderline Vegan. Rebel with a cause. Archives
March 2017
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